Thank you for this message today, Melanie. I’ve been struggling with my own adult child for over a year now…she moved out to live with her dad and I’d been “saving her” every week with some new financial crisis. But no more. Starting tomorrow she’s transferring part of her pay to pay off some of the debts she’s left me with, and I’m sticking to my “no more” when she texts she’s got no gas to get from work to her dads. She never comes to see me, never accepts my offers for weekday lunch or dinner, just contacts me to either ask for money or tell me what a garbage mom I am to my adult child now. I guess the 19+ years of sacrifice and volunteering and late nights and early mornings and bed time stories and talks and guidance was all wasted effort on my part, according to her. Makes me so sad, and the guilt she offloads for making me responsible for her irresponsible behaviour blows my mind. I get angry, then sad, then devastated, get over it for a bit and then she strikes again. I can’t have peace. Show Reply Diane says: May 16, 2019 at 12:18 pm Hi Melanie, thank you for this episode… When I stood up for my boundaries… my narcissistic daughter blocked me from facebook, instagram, my email address, my cell phone number and has not spoken to me for almost two years. She has expressed to my husband that I had hurt her feelings and her feelings mattered and that she hadn’t blocked my home phone number and that she might consider talking to me if I apologized. I refuse to apologize, mostly because I didn’t do any of the things she said I did, but also because I am done saying “I’m Sorry” for everything. I am yearning for time with my sweet grand daughter who will be two next month. I haven’t seen her since she was a week old. I have also only tried to reply to the nasty texts when I can do so with love. and sometimes that took a while. Also, my (adopted) mother is a narcissist as well as my husband. (I have only just discovered this in the last year.) Reply Dorothy Small says: May 16, 2019 at 12:55 pm Dear Melanie, Synchronicity once again strikes. I just dealt with this yesterday with my adult son and his wife. I have been working diligently on releasing my energetic patterns related to trauma and abuse. If I can’t give this to myself I can’t lead the way, It is an answer to prayer. I asked to be the mother they need. However, before that could happen I had to be the mother I needed. Mine died in February 1960. This May 25th I will be sixty-five. Since my mother died and my father walked away I missed out on what love is. I truly thought and felt that love was buried on the day she died. My adoptive parents provided physical needs but due their own deprivations couldn’t provide love. I coasted on the energetic memory of my Mon’s love. Looking back she most likely was codependent married to my Dad who was most likely narcissistic. I had to let go of what I learned love was and learn to love myself releasing old patterns. Has it been fast or easy? Nope. But your way of approaching this is right on, it is absolutely the only way out. God bless you, Dorothy Reply Mary says: May 16, 2019 at 2:44 pm Hi Melanie, Reply Caroline Cottrell says: May 16, 2019 at 4:49 pm Hi Melanie. That was very interesting. Any advice would be appreciated – my adult son who is 28 is married to a very damaged lady and they have 2 children. He is very weak and will not stand up to her. Keeps saying I can see the grandchildren but it never happens. I am not allowed to know where they live – apparently it it is nothing personal, she doesnt even let her brother know where they live apparently. I am able to see him at work and pass on cards/presents now but it makes me very sad. Every time i mention the subject he is very evasive. Only contacts me when he wants something. I am wondering whether my best choice now is to not go and see him for a time and work on myself. I just get so sad when I see him. the last straw yesterday was finding out he had been to a high interest loan company to borrow some money. His stepdad and I had been willing to lend him the money which would have included him repaying the £1000 he already owes me. However in order to make our loan legal we needed an address. He went to a loan company rather than stand up to his wife and allow me to have the address. I feel that I have a son but yet I don’t. Reply Sue Thody says: May 16, 2019 at 6:31 pm Absolutely spot on. My daughter is 35. I have no contact with her. It’s taken over 20 years to understand what’s been going on. My marriage of 35 years ended. Our daughter is given money from her father, who is scared of her threats of suicide. He/she turned on me. I had a breakdown 20 years ago. My ex telling her and brothers I had inherited anxiety genes from my family. All my fault of course. Her elder brother has been used and now understands what’s been going on. My other son saw it ages ago and looks after me. Grandchildren also, she used them against me. Fortunately I never involved them. I never complained or explained. My ex has similar tendancies. Both have mentally abused me. I am 75 and my health is compromised. To chronic pain and depression. Although this mental abuse has been going on for a very long time. It’s the last 7 years my health and Spirit has almost collapsed. I struggle every day. I meditate, NARP, has helped my understanding. At the moment depression and fear, is overwhelm. It’s taken a long time to get where I am and I’ve plateau d. Haven’t a clue what to do. Started in childhood the lack of self worth. Being Empathic too, it’s hard really hard. Love Suex Reply Robyn says: May 16, 2019 at 6:52 pm Hi Melanie Reply Janette says: May 17, 2019 at 6:31 am The timing of this is amazing, I’m in a hot mess of cognitive dissonance, my lovely girl is expecting her first baby any day now. She has returned from abroad to have the baby, where she can be surrounded by supportive relatives & enjoy the wonderful countryside around where we live. I offered for her to come here, her hubby will continue to work abroad & might not be able to come to be with her when she gives birth, so she has asked me to be her birthing buddy, which of course I’m delighted to be, making myself available to her for some time before & after the baby arrives. As I’ve already mentioned I offered her to come & stay with me, for the duration but she decided to stay with her N dad & stepmom, which means that I get to see her occasionally but that she is spending the majority of her time at her dads place. It’s more convenient geographically, being closer to town & of course to the hospital, where she will deliver her baby. I’ve been told that I will be welcome to visit her anytime she needs me, after the baby is born but her dads behavior is often bizarre & controlling & consequently I’m not feeling like I will either be truly welcome, or comfortable visiting her at his home. When she’s with me, she spends a lot of time complaining about how weird her dad is & how she & her step mom are close because they have to support one another because he is so strange all the time. The step mom left her own family to be with my ex, when our families were broken up because of their new relationship & she took over my children in increments over time, taking advantage of the fact that I was suffering from CFS & was struggling after the shock & trauma of the betrayal I had just experienced. I’ve explained that teaming up with her step mom isn’t very healthy, that it’s not helping her dad & that it’s not up to her to be having to support her step mom, when she is just about to become a mother herself & that it’s up to her dad & stepmom to work out their problems together. The problem is that after I support my daughter with labor & delivery etc. I will then have to leave & go home alone, knowing that my grandchild will be in a place where I cannot easily be present in any meaningful capacity & my daughter doesn’t seem to understand how I feel marginalized & even somewhat used in the situation. My feeling is that after I’ve met the new born & everything is OK, it might be time for me to pack up & go home, ( I also live abroad, mostly because I want to be as far away from my ex & his wife as I can get & all that goes with it.) it feels like I’m being put into competition with the step mom, it always has & even though I love my girl very dearly, I feel that I cannot pay the high price of supporting her for much longer I’m emotionally exhausted & it feels unnatural to be always having to detach instead of being able to whole heartedly bond with my family, when at a time when strong family bonds are so important. It’s been very hard knowing that I will see less of that baby’s first few days than anyone else in the family & I’m tired of feeling this pain. It’s a bad day today, most of the time I try to keep seeing it differently or in a more positive light ie: my daughter needs me & her needs are the most important right now etc. that I should get over myself & just get on with being the best grandma I can be under the circumstances & reframing things as best I can, but I’m starting to feel that there is a negative aspect to this unconditional love malarkey. Much love to you for making this video. Xox Reply Melanie Tonia Evans says: May 17, 2019 at 11:40 am Hi Janette, This is a difficult situation for sure! Okay there really are only two options and the best choice is the one to be at peace with. Because if we are not at peace then it is an inner torment that unfortunately (and honestly) can infect our most important relationships. So your choices are to let go of the trauma of being separated from your daughter and her child after the birth because of the toxic household she will be in …. or let go of the toxic feelings about these people regardless of what they do or don’t do, so that you can be there for your daughter and grandchild. Without doing either or those things – and one is no more right then the other – you are between a rock and a hard place. Have you considered my NARP Program? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/NARP ? It is the fastest most powerful way I know of to let go of traumatic feelings, beliefs and programs to become a solid source to self unaffected by others or situations. If you are struggling to do the necessary letting go to get peace then that is my highest suggestion for you. The other thing is, it will grant you full healing and Resolution of all that stuff that has gone down in the past – which in itself is priceless, not just for you but also your daughter and future generations. I hope this has helped grant you some perspective. Much love to you, your daughter and your future grandchild. Mel 🙏💕❤️ Reply Judy DeKuiper says: May 18, 2019 at 1:24 pm Thank you Mel for your insight/plan of action. My husband and I have been working for the last six years on healing Jude Reply Melanie Tonia Evans says: May 19, 2019 at 1:45 pm Hi Jude, My heart goes out to you with what you have been through with your daughter. Truly Jude how you and your husband have handled this is beyond commendable. Where my healing program NARP is the most healing is in being able to release and go free from the traumas that have been inflicted on us by others – which in your case is her and all the other damage that has occurred around this. Very often this can and does bring significant outer changes to the previous painful events, and even if not so, so much more peace regardless. You are very welcome Jude and it’s beautiful that you are so positive and loving with your situation. Love and blessings to you Mel 🙏💕❤️ Reply Irene says: July 3, 2019 at 8:08 am The thing that gets to me is how my parents say I am leeching off of them when I lost my car in an accident, money has been taken from me to buy kitchen appliances and a new grill, and then leaves me stranded and when I try and go back to work to do well for me and my son it is denied. I think it is different if the child doesn’t want to work, cut them off and stop feeding into their lazy patterns. I realized this can be difficult to do. I know everyone else’s situation is different and I am not here to judge but I am here to explain my situation because this can be a difficult thing to bring up. Yet I had to take note of how my parents would smear campaign me, say things I am being lazy, not doing anything to improve when I can’t. When I lost my car in an accident back in 2015 my life went down hill. I have a son to take care of and I lost my job due to my car accident. I had no available transportation nearby so my car was the source of transportation. It was frustrating to deal with when I was trying to pick up the pieces in my life. Instead of being understood. My parents were telling others how much I was burdening them, how much I am sucking the life out of them. When really I can’ t change the situation effectively without the proper help. My parents took $16 k of the car insurance money to purchase kitchen appliances and a grill with it when I needed to replace the car I needed. I wasn’t going to use the money for anything. I use to work a lot. Now I am stranded with nothing yet my parents are telling others how I am not doing anything to improve my life. Yet it is such a difficult thing to deal with. I know its frustrating when you can’t reason with people with narcissistic traits you are going through some tough times. When you wonder if you are the narcissist yourself. Yes, narcissists will lie and share some horrendous sob stories. I mean I would literally put my foot down if this was my kid. Except right now he is 3 years old and so far no trouble at all with him. Yet I realized how much this impacted my life and how much I am looking at myself and what I have been through and looking for solutions where there is little to none especially when you live in the suburbs. I realized the toxicity that comes from being raised by toxic people you can also create the toxicity in your own children. I know it is off topic yet the question is who is actually telling the truth here? Sometimes you may need to investigate even more to get to the truth of the situation. Children of narcissists can turn out narcissists themselves unless they are willing to do the work in them. I know growing up with Narcissistic parents they end up pointing fingers yet when you describe what is actually going on they will find ways to shut down or attack twice as hard. I know with my own folks they will find ways to make it seem like you have the problem or the issues with the parent and child. Yet it is also trying to put responsibility where responsibility is due. I realized based upon what I have grown up with I took on a lot of my mother’s traits (the covert Narc) and the damage it has done in my life. I had a video recording which I lost that was saved on my computer to save as proof about my row with my father. Yet knowing how does the outside person looking in determine the truth because it looks all so convincing to side with the father than you. It can be disconcerting to deal with. I realized the damage it does to a person when you want to reveal the truth and yet you yourself seem to be falling into the pits of despair. The anxiety that one feels as well as the angst of the situation. I am not saying that parents can’t be victims too. yet it is knowing to try to find the proof. Exposing it can be difficult. Yet my parents used my terms like Gaslighting, and narcissism against me. I realized what is the point in educating people when it’s going to be used against you in the long run at times. My parents called me Narcissistic and even gaslighting. them. So it is knowing how they can twist things around and turn it against you. Whenever you try and change your life around you want to do better instead of doing better and trying to prove it. It gets sabotaged and people will find ways to say things that they themselves do not understand. For the longest time, I was struggling to understand the truth. Yes, I do have some traits based upon what I have grown up on but I have done the work to understand the impact it had on me and needed to change my inner core. Even though it was the hardest thing to do yet my goal is to protect my own son from the tyranny of my own narcissistic folks. I know from the experience I have it’s knowing how to share this information with others. Reply Teresa says: August 8, 2019 at 3:12 pm Melanie — I have been with NARP for about 3 years. It truly has helped me find myself again and this past May I was married to a very wonderful man who treats me more respectfully than I have ever felt or experienced my entire life. I watched this episode today because my 18 year old daughter decided to live with her dad. He has always used our four daughters against me. After watching your show, it validates that the progress I am making as a mom is in the right direction. My daughter currently will appear to be interested and wanting to spend time with me, but then is silent and hard to communicate with when I need something from her. This was how her dad treated me, so she is only imitating him. Thank you for helping me realize that I will need to set more boundaries and stick to them. Thank you for your work and your diligence in teaching us how to heal from abuse. It is an honor to learn from you. Teresa Reply Rosie says: August 28, 2019 at 6:21 am Dear Melanie, I found you on youtube only three weeks ago when I was engulfed in the anguish of having my life destroyed for the past 15 years by narcissists who seemed to be coming at me from every direction and they were mostly family members. After I had watched one of your videos, which was resonating with me because I was desperate to get out of the cycle of blame and abuse, another video came up about a Hawaiin prayer meditation called Ho’oponopono, which was something I had never heard of, but I felt drawn to. I listened to the meditation and I could feel that it was instantly healing, so much so, that I listened to it three times that day and have done so for the last three weeks and it has changed my life!!! I will not go into a long explanation about it because if you type it in on youtube you can find numerous videos on it and the story behind it is amazing! in short, it is a simple prayer where you say I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you and I thank you. This is a prayer that can be used in many ways – to heal and forgive yourself and others. Now, three weeks ago, I could have written pages about how my life has been ruined by the people in my life but I have used this prayer not only to heal and forgive myself but also to forgive the supposed abusers in my life. The way I have used it is to think about each person that I feel has so wronged me (and they have – my phone has been tapped, my computer hacked, my children turned against me, on and on and on!) and think about times when they have done something good (hard I know but there will almost always be something). I have chosen to think of this as not forgiving them but for asking them to forgive me because I am in charge of my karma for things that I have done to them and they are in charge of what they have done to me and that is a much more empowering feeling. I then think of them as a wonderful loving soul (which I believe we all are and totally connected) and I talk to their soul and ask them for forgiveness for all the wrong things that I have done to them (and, once again, there will probably be many if we try to look at it from their point of view). This perspective has caused a miraculous shift for me, so much so, that when my ex husband contacted me a few days ago with more accusations, I calmly sent him a short message, wishing him a good day and then ignored the next message completely, with a sense of calm that I have never felt before. I am writing this because the work that you do Melanie, embodies this message and I’m sure that if you did a video on this subject, or a meditation with your wonderful calming voice (if you already have, then I apologise because I have only just found you) that it would help so many people get out of the cycle of blame, which is a road to nowhere but further pain. I feel liberated and full of gratitude to you and this prayer (because I would probably never have found it without listening to you first) and it is as if a piece of the puzzle that I have been searching for has finally slipped into place. I do so hope that this helps someone else as it has helped me Much love and blessings to all Rosie Reply Manuela Nordmann says: September 18, 2019 at 10:24 am 18 September 2019 Dear Rosie, I need to Acknowledge and Thank You profusely for your post of 28 August, which I have just read. It is the answer to my prayers ever since I felt my life has been destroyed along the way by the narcissistic adults in my life. Like You, I could have written pages and pages about how my life has been affected and ruined, at so many levels, by their actions and behaviour. However, after reading your post, I had an instantaneous connection to the Ho’oponopono prayer that You suggest and have adopted. Reply PKing says: October 7, 2019 at 11:15 am OMG Melanie!..If my mission is my healthiness, then I inspire all of life in the healthiest of ways!!!!!!!! Melanie, I had to go back through my emails from you, to watch this one, cause I’m feeling definitely sure that my adult 40 year old son is very sick..I’m seeing narcissistic traits & I’m praying to God that he’s not an actual narcissist! OMG, I’m feeling such intense pain & fear, cause I now realize, KNOW & accept that I have enabled him & significantly contributed to his behaviors, manipulation, disrespectful & violating actions towards me & others! I have lived with guilt because I stayed in a physically, verbally, emotionally abusive marriage with his stepfather for over 10 years & he witnessed ALL the abuse towards me & towards him! Also, because I stayed with this alcoholic, repetitively cheating (clubbing, gambling) man, moving to various states (while my son was young ages) — my son was also sexually abused TWICE (by babysitters)!!! I have carried this pain, guilt, grief & overcompensation ALL his life now!! GOD HELP ME TO DEAL WITH THIS PAIN, GUILT, REGRET & HEARTACHE! I bought your NARP GOLD course TWO YEARS AGO!..And never did the course, cause I became afraid of the Quantum woo woo stuff (traditional, religious, cultural beliefs stuff I was raised up with)!! However, my life has gotten soooo much worse with repeated unexpected changes/failures, UNBEARABLE inner pain, depression, anxiety, health issues & facing/watching my son’s abusive, alcoholic & substance abuse issues, riddled with pattern of repeated relationship problems that I’m now ready to literally “THROW MYSELF” into your NARP course!!! My life is so out of control now & far away from what I ever imagined it to be, that the traditional taboo or fears of exploring the unconsciousness of universe no longer matters to me!!! I MUST get healing from my traumas of a LIFETIME of narcissistic abusive relationships that started with my mom when I was 9 years old! I NEED prayer & support from NARP community to FINALLY rid my body of 52 years of pain, heartache & BROKENNESS from narcissistic relationships, if I’m going to survive, finally LIVE life & hopefully THRIVE, BEFORE I DEPART EARTH’S PLANE!!!!!!!!!! Now, I thank God that I did buy your course 2 years ago, cause I just recently loss my job — I SO DESPERATELY NEED to DELVE into it now (to find a glimmer of HOPE) & I wouldn’t have had the money at this time, due to my current financial situation!!! Reply Sonya says: May 4, 2020 at 3:33 am I have been going through this with my now 26 year old daughter, for what seems like a lifetime. She was raised by her daddy, since was 5, and he is a narcissist. She says she has so much anger towards me, for not spending time with her, when she was a child. That I didn’t cook every single meal. Just anything you can think of. She has unfriended me on Facebook, she talks to me, but I always feel less than her. If I say something, or call her out, she alienates me, won’t let me see my 3 grandsons. I have another daughter, that I didn’t have any problems with until, her dad and I got divorced. Then hell opened up, and she shifted. We were divorced when she was 11. Her stepmother, was some kind of instigator, she caused much of our division I’m sure. My daughter got married last year, and didn’t invite me to the wedding. She got pregnant, and I was the last person she told. She had a baby shower, didn’t invite me. They say everything is my fault. I was not a bad mom.. I didn’t drink, do drugs, smoke, waste money and not pay house payments. I didn’t beat them. I didn’t lay up with different men in front of them. I took them to church. I’m so confused! Reply [email protected] says: July 13, 2021 at 5:30 pm Hi. I have been following your blogs very quietly. My story around my son ended in no contact so this also means I do not see my grandchildren. Partly my choice due to seeing them struggle and witnessing the abuse from my son toward me and partly due to my son punishing me by refusing to let me see them. It has been nearly 3 yrs now. I do not know where they live nor have any contact details. It breaks me to know my grandchildren will be brought up by my son and the trauma they will continue to live. I am finding each day a little easier as I move forward and I value all the positive things and people in my life. I could not have done this without your support. I am and will continue to quietly follow you. Please don’t underestimate the powerful impact you have on those who quietly continue to be part of this community. My faithful gratitude always. Sarah Reply ian mcloughlin says: November 20, 2022 at 12:11 pm its Really good to come across and read personal stories about what its like to have an adult narcissistic child. My Daughter was raised by her Narcissistic mother and at the time I did not understand who i was co parenting with. It was like hell on earth and finally when i started to read about Narcissism i was able to start arming myself with the correct tools….until my daughter reached 15 or 16 (i cant remember). That changed my life in ways i never thought, coming to terms with my daughters strange behaviours towards me that at the time i took for granted as part of her personality that she was quirky and childish. She was raised by a Narcissist and i felt guilty that if i would have raised her then maybe she would have had somewhat a normal personality and not end up becoming Narcissistic. Her treatment of me was toxic and cruel and it was hard for me to accept that she was this way, she was my daughter and i wanted to protect her as any parent would. It didnt matter though because my loyalty to her wellbeing was challenged to the point of almost breaking me and some who knew me said that after that she changed something in me. Her mother took her to florida when she was 17 and i have not seen her since, though ive heard enough abuse from her through texts and phone calls over the last 4 years to try and keep me down and out, but she does not win as often as she would like to. Make no mistake its changed my life in ways that i wish things were different, like not getting to see her graduate because she thought i didnt deserve a ticket(no reason ever given) I flew 1000 miles to where she lived just to watch her graduate on line and atleast she cant say that i was not there. She never cared that i was there and still doesnt now even though she is 20 now. I will Never get to enjoy my daughter in my life like other parents and birthdays and Christmas are not the best as it hurts. Its affected my relationship with my Girlfriend and we struggle sometimes.i struggle with her daughter because she lacks emotion and i get alarm bells and become stand offish with her cause im worred that history will repeat itself. I have read some amazing books over the years from HG Tudor and Sam Vaknin but i do have my low and dark times when i hear from my daughter is some abusive way. I am hoping to get some insights and support from other parents who have gone through this and still deal with it. How do I react to a narcissistic son?Take these steps to handle a narcissist:. Educateyourself. Find out more about the disorder. It can help you understand the narcissist's strengths and weaknesses and learn how to handle them better. ... . Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. ... . Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise.. How does a narcissistic son behave?Exaggerate their successes and achievements and diminish the value of achievements of those around them. Have a more difficult time empathizing with others. Be prone to temper tantrums and quick to anger when they do not get their way. Push against authority figures, especially when things are not going their way.
How do I stop my son from being a narcissist?Here are seven ways we as parents can keep narcissism at bay in our kids and avoid overusing praise.. Love your kids, warts and all. ... . Stick to the point with your praise. ... . Praise the present. ... . Be sparing, but not a miser, with your praise. ... . Praise what is worthy of complimenting. ... . Teach the Golden Rule. ... . Walk in their shoes.. What are the root causes of narcissism?The cause is likely complex. Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to: Environment — parent-child relationships with either too much adoration or too much criticism that don't match the child's actual experiences and achievements. Genetics — inherited characteristics, such as certain personality traits.
|
How to deal with a narcissistic grown son
Copyright © 2024 hanghieugiatot Inc.
